self-confess ignorance

While everyone enjoys the latest music in multiply.com, mine hasn't any, not even a single note from a song.It was that plain and simple. Im aware that we're living in a past-faced world and the need to be knowledgeable in the hottest stuff isn't my task. I always had someone to do something I don't know for me, just like the know-how on posting music in this site.

The very first time I had this account running, I asked for someone's help to put some designs on my page. The theme, font style and size were just a mere suggestion but nothing was really done by me. Im an idiot trying to be a freak of the hottest things.

Everyday I update my site, I feel a little boring because of the deafening silence. No music is being played. I never thought that uploading songs would be that hard for a non-music lover like me, especially when there is no song saved in the computer. Yes, I said it right. No song. Zero music. At all. My decision to put a song almost became a long quest to find a gold in the mountain. I asked for some friends help but no one was more than willing to walk me through the process. Just a good save Nikki was online. She patiently helped me download limewire and java (by the way, I know there are other options, but she's also a self-confessed ignorant and that's the only way she knows to post music). So we were like blind people trying to help each other walk on the street with the big chance of being side swept by cars! During the process, we were kind of laughing at each other's idiocracy but patiently trying to endeavor it. We were able to make it -- it took 2 hours though. We never gave up! She was surprisingly willing to repeat the whole process with me when our first attempt didn't work. That's a real friend! ahahaha

lessons:

• Never try to be someone if you can't - makes sense!
• Patience is a virtue, but time is gold. we finished past my sleeping time! I have work tomorrow. huhuhuhu
• Being a freak on something isn't good. But being a total jerk is worse!
• A friend in need is a friend indeed! hehehehe
• Music is life, but being early to bed and early to rise makes a man's life healthy, wealthy and wise.
• Don't entertain boredom, it causes you to do crazy things!
• Remember the Wright Brothers - the first attempt to fly the airplane didn't work but because they HAD determination, we can fly to other places!
• always say thank you for someone's help. Thank you PAKS! you're the best. At last!
  

twilight of life

WHILE waiting for a friend, I entertained the thought of death. I am on my way to manila in an hour together with a friend who stays in that big city. I have stayed there for almost 3 years and it's no longer a strange place for me. I'll be there for one reason, a death of relative's relative. It may sound absurd for some to hear this, but yes, the person is not in anyway related to me.

But I do pay respect for him to begin with. I heard the news about his suffering the day it started. I was with my cousin in Singapore when we were, or she was bugged by her lolo's condition. The old man fought a battle of pneumonia. The seemingly irrational confidence that he will be winning over it didn't come and will never come. I saw how my cousin prayed hard for her lolo's recovery. My cousin nonchalantly went back here in the Philippines when her mom asked for her help to look after her grandpa. She put aside her dream of landing on a good job in the Lion City to be with the old man's battle.

I am not really good at giving advice to bereaved people. Although I have experienced losing some of my loved ones, their death did not really break me into pieces. I have known since the time I was active in church that death is a physical phenomenon that only implies God has taken one's life away. It maybe really hard to accept that we will no longer be able to extend our warmest love to the dead, physically. With one's death, kisses, hugs and talks die too - things that we can only do with people alive. I can never weigh the gravity on people's lives on how they grieve the death of whoever they lose. I can never say OK when it's not. I just know that it may really be painful but life has to move on for those who are left behind.

In my cousin's case, she witnessed everything. She witnessed how her lolo fought for his life. She witnessed how her lolo slowly left. She witnessed how God has taken her lolo's life away. And I witnessed her how she dealt with it when we were in the foreign land.

I may not be able to open my mouth when we see each other. I don't know how to comfort people through words. But I hope my presence at your grandfather's wake would be more than enough to say that my condolences are with you. Life never stops at the death of a loved one. He might have accomplished his mission in the physical world that's why he left. He maybe gone physically but the memories you shared together will always linger.

I GET A LITTLE GRUMPY:

• when i wake up on the wrong side of the bed, Hitler exorcises me!
• when food isn't cook yet if it's time to eat, glutton turns to anger
• when people are given chances and yet they tend to neglect it, i dont get grumpy, i lose patience!
• when people flatter me and sarcasm comes next. better hush-hush!
  
• when i cant remember the words to say when i'm speaking.
• when people talk about good books and i get too excited, only to find out the book is full of nothing. same thing with movies.
• when people see the world as a big shopping mall with an escalator going nowhere.
  
• when people spend more than what they can afford (i am a victim of this, i hate myself!)
• when people lie (everybody does, and everybody hates it! everyone gets a little drop of karma)
• when my pair of pants wont fit! damn im getting bigger!
• when i eat fatty and oily food, but i like them!
• when i can't puff a cig (sometimes i run out of stock)
• when people condemn me for being me. (mind your own)
• when people raise they're eyebrows on me
  
• when people mock me
• when dogs bark at me (damn you, im not a walking bone to eat)
• when mom asks serious things (mom, we're not used to having serious talks!)
• when i hear bad things about a friend from a friend (i don't really take sides, but there are times when i have to)
• when i'm running late for an appointment
  
• when people delay me
  
• when i don't have money (you think so?)
• when it's raining
• when the sun is burning hot
• when traffic is at its heaviest
• when you talk to me and i don't want to talk to you! (talk to the hand)
• when you don't talk to me and i want to talk to you (i'll talk to the hand)
• when you ask me why i gained so much weight (it's none of your f*ckin business, i just realized that food is my first love)
• when people catch me off guard. (i'm not a celebrity and don't be a paparazzi!)
• when my stomach is in so much pain because of indigestion
• when i can't say NO subtly and YES impliedly ( i wanna be good at giving courtesy to people)
• when people don't respect my opinion
• when people don't believe me (yes, i've heard of the man who cried wolves)
• when i run out of phone credits
• when my watch stops
• when someone steps on my shoe
  
• when someone saves his ass from his mistakes ( i know you)
• when the laundry shop hasn't done my laundry yet on the time they promised me.
• when i queue
  
• when people in the movie house laugh at the corniest part of the movie (get a dvd tape and watch it at home)
• when people from any social networking sites don't show their faces (you think you're mysterious? that's horrible! or you think people won't like how you look? would you think people would like headless people? or you think you're way too goodlooking? then get someone of the same game you play!)
• when movies start late
• when someone holds the microphone and don't let other people sing (videoke ei?)
  
• when people use scapegoats
• when people start their sentence with "actually", "basically" and "well" ... WELL ACTUALLY, THERE ARE OTHER WORDS TO REPLACE SUCH AS EVENTUALY, GRADUALLY, NORMALLY, NATURALLY, USUALLY, LEGALLY.. what's your choice?
  
• when someone lays his worst suggestion ever!
  
• when the door makes an "eeking" sound
• when i talk and nobody listens
• when people get too touchy and nothing special is going on! ( i don't deal with human hobbies)
• when im too drunk and you get too frank!
• when im running out of thoughts
• when the dvd i got jumps
• when i go to bars and get tipsy after a bottle (am i getting alcohol intolerant?, where's my prowess in drinking!)
• when we eat meat for 3 consecutive days at home! (not because i hate meat, or we have a lot of money to spend for meats, i just wanna have a variation with what i eat)
• when people mispronounce my name
• when people don't catch me when i fall (don't make me fall is the best thing you can do)

HALT TO A FULL STOP! can't think of other things to add on.

the window

I was just surfing on the world wide web and had a stop when I saw this story.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head: Why should hehave all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything? It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented, the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life.

Late one night, as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room, he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now, there was only silence--deathly silence.

The following morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away--no words, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

Moral of the story:

The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express. It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning, nor does it come through the window. And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never find lasting joy.

The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. Our minds are like programs, awaiting the code that will determine behaviors; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits. If we regularly deposit positive, encouraging, and uplifting thoughts, if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain, if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates, we will find that there is much to rejoice about. Happiness is a choice that we share with people.

akala ko --- patay na ako

AKALA ,sapantaha, hinala, presumption, expectation, vermutungen, praesumptionis --- anu mang lenggwahe, iisa ang ibig sabihin, iisa ang dulot, na kapag nagkamali, sakit ang kapalit.

Ilang beses na rin, halos di ko na mabilang. Sino ba ang hindi nakakaalam na ang maling akala, ay maaaring makamatay? Akala mo mabuting tao, di mo alam mamamatay tao. Akala mo alagaing aso, di mo alam asong ulol. Akala mo makabubuti, di mo alam mapanganib. Akala mo mababaw yun pala malalim. Akala mo matino, yun pala sira. Akala mo maganda, yun pala pangit. Akala mo oo yun pala hindi. Akala mo gusto ko, yun pala kinamumuhian ka. Akala mo oo yun pala hindi. Akala mo anjan na, maghihintay ka pa. Akala mo mahal ka, may mahal palang iba.

Kakambal ng AKALA ay ang TIWALA. Kapag bumagsak ang "akala mo" patay ang "tiwala mo". Masakit man, di makabubuti ang paglamayan ang maling akala. Masakit man, kelangang tanggaping nagkamali ka. Kasama natin 'to habang buhay. Habang buhay ang pag-aakala sa mga bagay-bagay. Habang buhay man ang pagkakamali, di natin ito pinili. Ang pag-aakala ay parang
paghahangad ng isang mabuting bagay upang panatilihin ang mainit nating pagtanggap sa anumang hamon. Isipin mo na lang ang isang napakagandang bulaklak. Mabango. Makulay. Nakakaakit. Di mo alam, inuuod din pala. Di mo alam, taglay nito'y tinik. Kapag natusok ka, masasaktan ka, masusugutan, dudugo at di magtatagal maghihilom. Kasunod ay ang pagkatuto na hindi na muling magagalak sa kabigha-bighaning kagandahan. Ngunit minsan, mapangahas ang ating kalooban na muling subukan. Mas magiging maingat. Matinik ma'y pipiliin mo ang parte ng tangkay na iyong hahawakan. Subalit sa paglipas ng ilang sandali'y nakakalimot din, ililipat sa kabilang kamay at muling masasaktan. Paulit-ulit, pero kailangan.

Takot na akong magbigay ng "AKALA". Takot na ang pisi ng tiwala na nagdudugtong sa aking katinua'y unti-unting maglaho. Sa paglalakad sa hardin, di maiiwasan ang mabighani sa taglay na kagandahan ng bawat bulaklak. Maging mapanuri ma'y hindi sapat upang muling mamitas. Sisikilin ang hirap, maabot lamang ang hangad. Di bibigyang pansin ang dugong maaaring maubos sa dami ng sugat. Nakamamatay ang maling akala -- mapanganib. Subalit sa di mapigilang kagustuhan, hindi tayo tumitigil hangga't di nagiging TAMA ang ating AKALA.

the land of the beheaded "APO"

Malayu-layo na nga ang narating ng lungsod ng OLONGAPO. Mula sa mapagpakumbabang malawak na palaisdaan hanggang sa isang maunlad(?) na lungsod, mula sa noo'y nangangambang muling pagbangon mula sa bundok ng abong bumalot sa buong bayan hanggang sa isang masiglang siyudad, mula sa simpleng buhay hanggang sa isang markadong lugar dulot ng likas na yaman at ginintuang pamana, mula sa asul at pulang patay-sinding ilaw sa Calapandayan hanggang madagdagan ng orange, yellow,pink, purple, black-light, strobe light, flashlight at backlight - masasabing MAYAMAN NA NGA ANG LUNGSOD NG ULO NG APO. (taray!)

Sa kabila ng pagsulong ay ang mga tao, pangyayari, awitin, lugar, halaman, hayop, tae, kulangot at pati na siguro ang blackheads ng karamihan ay naging bahagi ng kinaluluklukan ng ating lungsod. Hindi ito isang pasasalamat sa lahat (or pwede na rin para di mashadong maangas ang dating) bagkus, ito'y isa lamang pag-alala,pagbabalik tanaw, sa mga bagay na unti-unting nababaon dulot ng patuloy na pagsulong ng Olongapo at ng mga mamamayan nito. Kung di ka taga-gapo, out-of-place ka sa usapang ito. At kung isa ka namang tulad ko na hindi man tubong Gapo ang mga magulang subalit binuo (uyyyy) , isinilang at nagkamalay dito, magbasa ka lang kung gusto mo. Pwede ka ring magreact wag lang mashadong epal.

Naisip ko lang... marami-rami pala ang mga bagay-bagay ang masasabing tatak Olongapo. Maging nakakahiyang bagay man yan, isipin mo na lang, hindi magiging ikaw kung sino ka ngayun kung wala ang mga ito.

Masasabing OLONGAPEñO ka kung:

• kaya mong sabayan ang jingle na "basura ay bigyang importansiya... upang Olongapo'y laging maganda.. ang wastong pagtapon ng ating basura.........."
  
• alam mo ang JINGLE ni "MR. S PAWNSHOP" at mareng "ANNE RAQUEL's"
• noo'y sikat ka kung may RAMBO slippers ka para sa tumbang preso, pero magtago ka pag dumating na ang may mga LOTUS bitbit ang JOURNEY bag nila.
• DWOK ang number 1 fm station. Si double B ang tinitilian kasabay ng paghihintay sa LOVER's lane. Ilang beses ka rin sigurong nag attempt tumawag sa 222-2222 para magrequest ng kanta.
  
• since nabanggit ko ang kanilang telephone number, minsan ka na ring nagbiro sa mga taong nagtatanong ng tel. no. mo at ibinigay ang numerong "222-22nog-tunog"
• mas sikat si daddy daddy at tyson kumpara sa mga GORDON. Kung babae ka, natakot ka sa flying kiss ni daddy. At kung lalaki ka, padrino mo sila.
• Ang rice cooker niyo siguro ngayun, o ang rice dispenser niyo ay nabili niyo pa sa STAR TV na siya ring dance floor ng magbestfriend na daddy at tyson.
  
• Nangamba ka rin sa maaaring biglang pagsulpot ng katutubong si Roberto Solomon sa inyong bahay upang manghingi ng tubig at manghiram ng itak... baka kasi bigla kang tagain na ayon sa kwento ay gawain niya upang maghiganti. May picture pa siya sa paligid-ligid upang maiwasan.
• Naniwala ka na may snow sa may bundok dun sa may kalaklan. wag kang adik!
• sa palagay mo na ang CHOAS ay "for everything" pero nung tinry kong bumili ng cartolina, wala naman. Pumunta ako sa expressions at rona's wala na rin. sad :(
• ang mga magulang mo ay may purchase passbook upang makapamili sa duty free.
• nag-crave ka sa taco's, coffee shop ang unang pumasok sa isip mo. kahit malayo, sulit naman, malaki e. (may bayad ang advertisement dito ha.. taco's lang please)
• Takot kang maligo (kahit gustong gusto mo) sa baloy, kale, ocean view at yang magkakatabing beach resort na yan dahil sabi nila, may lumulutang na PUPU. (kesho labasan daw ng dumi ang beach natin.. patay! sira ang turismo... uyy joke lang yata nila yun, pero once natry ko, meron nga! HAM NGA!)
  
• nasasarapan ka sa isaw sa may jone's at sa may wesley. Pero gustong umapila ng barbekyuhan sa may kanto ng 7th. st., dekada na raw sila, wala man lang naging suki! hahaha. lol
• bilib ka sa generic street naming ng gapo. 1st, 2nd, 3rd ....... teka nasan ang 10th? kung di mo alam, pwes meron 10th st. maliit nga lang. May alphabetical din tulad ng fendler st., gallagher st., hansen st., irving st., and so on and so forth.
• naniwala kang may aswang sa may gordon heights. pangalan pa lang, minsan gusto ko ng maniwala.
• pinipilit mong may KABABAE, palibhasa may KALALAKE! sige na nga, pati James Gordon elementary school ginawa na lang KABABAE elementary school ng karamihan. Hmmm... bakit kaya??? babae?? babae ba siya?? bababe ba? bababa? ba! ba!
  
• sa tingin mo, hindi guguho ang AIM HIGH OLONGAPO sa may bundok, nagkamali ka at kasabay ng paggiba ng bawat letra tuwing bagyo ay ang parang pagkalugmok mo sa pagkasira ng matayog mong pangarap. Di ka mashadong nabahala, nung dumating ang mga president para sa APEC meeting, pinalitan ito ng AIM HIGH PHILIPPINES. asan na ngayun?
• naniwala ka na ang tatlong krus malapit sa AIM HIGH OLONGAPO ay ang krus kung san pinako sina tito, vic at joey! hehehehehe!
• ang tawag mo sa cable ay catv. "nanay: anak buksan mo ang tv at manonood tayo ng STV 6, panoorin ko muna yung babaeng reporter na mukhang nakasipit yung ilong at mukhang 2 years di natulog" anak: "nay, walang CATV!" ----busy signal.
  
• sikat ka kung ang damit mo ay galing bye bye shop o kaya status!
• naabutan mo ang jollibee sa lot 21 na express lang. puro to go, walang dine in.
• nasarapan ka rin sa lugaw ng jepoy's sa may gordon ave. pero masuka suka ka nung biniro ka nilang "dinurog na butiki" raw ang binubudbod dun!
• sa lumang palengke kayo namimili at hindi sa bago. mas mura kasi sa luma.
  
• pinaghahandaang mabuti ang conti j. feeling mo mall na pagpupunta kayo dun. nanay: "anak, wag kang magdudumi at hindi kita isasama sa conti j, sige ka" -- e ano ngayun, di pumunta ka magisa mo! ahahahaha. lol
• nagkaron ka o kung di man, may kilala kang naka MIGHTY KID!
• na-enjoy mo rin ang usong laro nung panahong walang klase dahil sa pagputok ng pinatubo at may bundok pa ng abo --- ANG PATIBONG!
• ang mga grand parades na sinamahan mo ay laging nagmumula sa maingate papuntang triangle. at kung expectator ka naman, super expect ka talaga na may maghahagis ng CANDY mula sa kung ano mang float yan.
  
• hindi ka bilib sa mga sumasali ng miss olongapo... perahan kasi ang labanan.
• excited ka pagpasok ng OCTOBER, alam mong may mardigras na naman.
  
• excited ka rin sa pagpasok ng mga 3rd week ng november, may night market na naman. May excuse ka na para umuwi ng gabi.
  
• ang alam mong BOSS ay BAWAT ORAS SAMA SAMA
• tamad ka pero alam mong bawal. bawal lang naman daw e, pero hindi naman masama.
• kilala mo ang GORDON, pero mas sikat pa rin talaga si DADDY at TYSON.
• alam mo ang tamang pagpara ng yellow na jeep, depende kung pepsi o sta. rita ka pupunta. ang pagpara ng pepsi ay ituturo mo ang hintuturo samantalang ang pagposisyon ng hinlalaki na animo'y nagsisign language ng "OK" ay tungong sta. rita. Malamang pinagsabay mo rin ang mga senyas na yan, makapang-asar lang ng mga driver.
• nangarap ka ring mailagay ang iyong pangalan sa "AIM HIGH ACHIEVERS"
  
• hindi mo alam na ang rizal ave. patungong gate ng sbma (yung malapit sa james gordon hospital, pwede ring kababae hospital) yun nga, yung kahabaan na yun hanggang sa may bago dumating ng rotonda sa may magsaysay --- JUNGLE ang tawag dun! kung tinatanong mo kung bakit, pwes di ko rin alam , pero JUNGLE talaga ang tawag dun.
• naapektuhan ka ng lubos nang ayaw bumaba ni DICK GORDON bilang chairman ng SBMA, wala kasing pasok, wala ka ring baon.
• hindi ka naniniwalang ni-rape talaga si NICOLE. NEPTUNE ang pinuntahan, asa ka?
• Favorite mo ang manager's special ng "sam's pizza" at ang pancit canton ng "rico's"
• nakapaglaro ka ng TOUCHING RUNNER.
• nakipagtrade ka ng NBA cards at Ghost Fighter text sa JKB malapit sa st. jo
• pinilit mong parte ng WEST TAPINAC ANG NEW ILALIM - e hindi nga! magkaibang barangay yun. yung KABABAE nagpupumilit maging autonomus samantalang nagpapalawak pa ng kapangyarihan ang WEST TAPINAC! (teka lang, naconfuse din ako)
  
• sa pagkakaalam mo, magkakapatid ang may-ari ng mga dating sinehan, cinema a, cinema b, cinema c, --magkakalayong lugar naman!
• naabutan mo pa ang kasikatan ng dating CALJAM kung san nagmula ang career ni ariel pineda at kung san nagshooting ang "ANG UTOL KONG HUDLUM". May hard rock cafe rin nun.
• sinubukan mo ring magbowling sa cosmic at pagsapit ng 9pm, magdidilim at may voice over "iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's cosmic time" sabay magiging luminous ang mga bola. akala mo nasa ibang planeta ka na! astig! apir! di mo na napansin ang baho ng rented bowling shoes mo. kung hi-tech sila, malupet pa rin ang people's choice na kung san, sila "kuya" ang nagtatayo ng bowling pin na tinutumba mo! tira-tayo-tira-tayo--- ay canal-- buti na lang, nakapahinga si kuya!
• nagsawa ka rin sa kwento ng kabaong na lumulutang sa tabacuhan twing bumabaha.
  
• nafood poison ka o kung di man, may kilala kang nafood poison sa pagkain sa cindy's sa may columban.
  
• feeling mo sikat na sikat ang wimpy's sa ibang lugar!
  
• nasarapan ka sa tinapay ng mansion's
• nagkayayaan kayo bilang tropa na magswimmig sa YMCA! nagbaon pa kayo ng cheesedogs, yes cornic, at kung anu ano pang mamisong pagkain.
  

haaay, di ba't tama ako? parte ang mga bagay na ito sa paghubog ng makabagong OLONGAPO, di man ito ang lahat, masayang nagdaan tayo sa mga kakatwang bagay upang mas mapayabong pa ang ating mahal na lungsod. Kung may mga bagay man akong nasagasaan, isyung nabuksan, paumanhin, di ko po sadya. Nawa'y malawak na pasensha na lamang ang ibahagi nyo sa akin! Sorry! adik lang! hehehe.

shad's standpoint on english teaching for the KOREANS

6:00 am - when everybody is still in bed, dreaming their million dollar dreams while for some, they are starting to sip their hot brewed coffee, and flipping the pages of the broadsheet to be the first to capture the world's latest episode. I have never seen myself starting my day this early for the last 2 years whereas call center was my life. I decided to leave the harebrained job after years of simulatedly working. Nevertheless, completely wandering in the world of unemployment was out of the picture. A stone just hit my consciousness that being wide awake at night is no longer what I want. Or simply because, Manila is no longer the place I want to stay.

I went back to Olongapo where my life started. The place where I first had my cerelac. The place where my simple infantile wants were rooted. I went back with one guileless plan. To rest. I didn't think of how long. I just thought of relaxation and distressing. Distressing from the bad traffic, sweated shirts, high-cost of living, commuters, smokers (but im a smoker myself. hehe), smoke-belchers and all the messy things found in a big city.

One fine day, I found myself getting bored just being on-line the whole day while the t.v is on without really watching anything on it. No one to talk to since mama and papa are at work. No money to spend (but I didn't really bother, since there is an abundance of edible ones) . So I bugged a friend who's living just few blocks away and invited her to look for a job. Since we found out that Korean english teaching is a no-brainer job and we can easily land on it, we endeavored. Lucky we were, we hired out our brains (haha!)

I'm a first day boor. Intimidating and cocky. The moment I stepped at work I wanted their eyes on me. (hahahaha) It's my way to show people that I deserve their respect. My smile was hardly seen, (or a reason can be the transition from being nocturnal to the normal people's biorhythm was that fast, so the night before, I went to bed late or may be I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... millions of excuses, but I didn't just like smiling) *while writing, a friend came* hahaha.. nice one col-col. moving forward, the first day went just fine. ***i went out.... coffee.coffee.coffee***

(I just came back)

I hate imperialism. And I hate activism too. I'm caught somewhere in between. Teaching was not my passion. Or it is, if I am to teach my fellow Filipinos. But I am starting to love it. I hate the fact that in no longer time KOREANS will become fluent in the language (alam kong hindi naman ako fluent e. hehehehe). It frightens me that sooner, this language will fuel them to become globally competitive and the Philippines will just be left behind. We have the resources that we need to be above all else. They acquire what we have and use it over us. Going deeper in this sense is not my game. I hate thinking deep. All I know is that something is wrong with this. I have hired out my brains to this rich moneymaking compromise that keeps my stomach full but sucks up the idealism from my soul. I have thought of teaching them wrong english. There are times that I don't teach during class hours just to help out in this ever-darkening predicament.

I may sound very radical on this but I am not. I am still hoping for a better Philippines when I see Korean people in the street. They get educated by us.

the fall of the lion city's dream

Stupid i was when i said that i was starting my success in Singapore. Stupid of you for believing. But this stupidity isn't that bad at all. You probably thought that I was about to land on a good paying job in that city. I hoped too. However, it didn't happen. I could have exerted more effort in paying attention to that opportunity. (here comes the shoulda-woulda-coulda thought again)

"NAGPAPICTURE LANG AKO" as i crack the joke to whoever ask about it. The idea of hitting 3 birds with one stone (visiting the country, bonding with my sis and job) turned out to hit only 2. But then, i just started stepping into that ever familiar state of mind. (argh. brain cells aren't working real good now) But seriously, the social visit taught me of dreaming big and starting small. It was there where I realized that being globaly competitive should be backed up with competitive scholastic records (which i think i didn't fall short...ehem! har har) and a good work experience (which i hardly never had). Global career isn't in my mind yet. I brought home this dream of becoming someone when i go back. I am planning to take much of my time to study a certain discipline that would open the road to the success people are most familiar of. And the stupidity is fumigated! It was one great blessing I have received.

One great lesson is: I am a work in progress! (huhuhuhu. should i get stumbled, I'll kill myself... har har)

Im sorry about the writing... hindi talaga ako gifted dito! :)